How to kill a Man

If you ask me how to kill a man, I will give you my best advice. Don´t do it with a gun. It is not enjoyable, it´s unprofessional, and does not have style.

But if you so decide to take the fast track; then carefully choose the date, the place, the hour; since anybody can kill a man in a crowded plaza in the middle of the day and then run and hide. But... Hey! That´s not smart and you are likely to be caught.

Shall I recommend a dark place? That would be better, don´t you think? It´s more convenient, safer and intimate too. A place where your man happens occasionally to pass by. And if able to decide, select an isolated one.

Prepare well in advance of the date for your appearance to change. Grow your moustache and your beard, if you can; gain some weight ─losing it it´s pretty hard and it doesn´t make such a change.

On the day, wear all black with grey. Those colors help to look inconspicuous, like everybody else; with clothes bought used but clean; and never used by you before; not cheap, remember how important is to have a style. Wear dark glasses, a model not to be particularly recognized by anyone. What about a dark grey hat? A hat with faux hair hanging from the sides; not curly ones, and not straight either. Men with long straight hair are uncommon and hard to find; just a bit, to make you feel like a rock star.

Prepare your escape route; do not leave anything to fate. A motorcycle could be a good choice, if you know how to ride. Get it on Craigslist. Call the guy, show the money, pay and say your name is Sanchez, since Sanchez’s are numerous in the telephone directory in LA. Leave the bike close by, so you can run, jump on it and forget.

Hey!!! I haven´t told to you the little details.

When your man comes walking by the park, if it is a park, or by an alley, if it is an alley, or by a dark side street, which is probably the place where it will happen to be, walk naturally coming from the opposite side. Then when you are close, look into his eyes. Smile. Show him your pre-prepared cigarette. Hold it with the left. Ask for a light. If he says: “No. Sorry, I don´t have one”, or if he responds: “Let me find it. Oh! Where did I put it?” And when he looks for it in the pocket of his jacket, in the pockets of his pants; then you pull out the gun slightly from the side of your coat; since you´ll have coat, right? And as close as you can, shoot once, shoot twice aiming at his heart. You haven´t forgotten the silencer, have you?

Walk away calmly if nobody is around. If there is... run. Run for your life. Get on the bike; take that dark alley you thought will work nice for your plans. Abandon the bike just a few blocks away and walk for twelve, fifteen miles. Avoid doing so in a straight line. In mile two or three, throw the glasses in a bush. In mile four, cut your beard and moustache with the razor you had hidden in your small backpack. Cut the fake hair off the hat in small pieces making them impossible to recognize. Then, leave everything in one of those big garbage cans, the hat, shirt and trousers, keeping only the second pair you had on underneath.

Go to the mountains. Hiding in the mountains is comforting, and even more so when you´ve just killed a man. Hide into the dark and be prepared for the fucking thoughts to come and assault you in the middle of the night. It´s never easy the first time you kill a man. Try to sleep in the bushes since tomorrow you will be a different man.

But if you ask me how I’d kill a man; me, who has been training since well before I was nine on those bloody martial arts; me, who has broken his nose and mouth several times, and has broken other ones in return and some other bones too; me, who learned to jump from twenty feet high without being hurt at all, and who splits a pile of blocks into pieces with the forefront, or cuts the neck of a bottle of beer with a fast move of the side of my hand...

If you sincerely ask me how I would kill a man...

I would do it with my bare hands.