A Christmas love letter by a narco

My dearest,

By the time you read this, I'll have become even more of a pig. I mean, I'll be completely mired in the mud, wallowing in filth; because this year, desperate, with no opportunities to move forward or even sideways; at the beginning of the year, I accepted an offer that was right there, waiting for me to reach out and grab it. I became a tough guy, and you know, you don't need to be big or strong for that, because a knife or a gun can easily take care of such petty matters.

I started with small jobs, helping distribute illicit merchandise—those powders or weed that make people happy—and as part of the job, I also helped loosen up reluctant individuals or integrate new members, men and women, so that our organization could meet its commitments.

Soon I found myself caught up in that vortex of unhealthy pleasure that comes from carrying out actions forbidden to most people, but applauded within our small society, which some like to call a mafia.

In there, inside, there was alcohol, drugs, women, everything in abundance; and when it ran out, we simply went for more, because guns work miracles and provide for those who are determined to risk everything. And that became my family; which was important, because I didn't have a family; I only had you, and that's why I decided to distance myself, because this society I live in now corrupts everything, absorbs it, and rots it.

No, I won't be with you this Christmas or New Year's; but believe me, even if you're sad, you won't regret it because you'll still be clean and alive. I'll surely jump to the next year; and if I'm still alive around this time next year, it will mean I've done things right, and perhaps by then I'll have already risen a step up the mafia ladder.

Don't grieve for me, because the world is always divided between good and bad ones, and among the good ones I never saw a light that told me, "This is the way"; and on this side, I haven't seen one either, only a dark light, the one that tells me, "Don't be an idiot, do things right and watch your back, because if you stop doing so, 'The show is over.'"

And yes, I do love you, and I've never stopped loving you, but having you by my side is impossible. I only wish you happiness and that you find someone truly worthwhile.

I'll be watching you from afar, without you seeing me, just to remember those happy moments we shared, when you were yourself, and I was just an ordinary person.

I love you.